i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
