I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
