I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
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I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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