i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
