my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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