Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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