Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
