hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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