I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
