It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
