i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
