my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
