Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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