I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
