Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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