I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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