sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
