Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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