Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
