I think my vagina is haunted
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
