brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
