Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
