Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
