I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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