A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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