Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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