Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
