Umm I'm too high to move.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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