Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
