i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
