my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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