You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
