Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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