i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
