I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
