my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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