I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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