I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
