Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
All the doctor said was why
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
