The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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