Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
