Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
