i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
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You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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