Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
sick fucks of a feather flock together
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
