I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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