i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
