his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
