My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
