dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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