I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
