i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
