You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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