On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
