My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
