You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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