i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
