My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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