I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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