I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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