our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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