dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
