Moan for me like Helen Keller
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
