I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
